Step 11

While drinking and drugging, my total self-obsession and constant struggles with life made it difficult for me to have much belief in a Higher Power. I never saw any real use in trying to have a conscious contact with God unless He could get me out of trouble or help me with my supply of alcohol and drugs. I did have a religious upbringing and some faith in my youth, but those beliefs deteriorated as I became more cynical about life. As my addiction progressed, any thoughts about God disappeared from my consciousness. I came to believe that any concept of God was one big farce, similar to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I continually compromised my other beliefs and values as well as my addiction took over. Honesty was only a stumbling block that prevented me from getting what I wanted. Even my affection for friends and family deteriorated with each episode of intoxication and embarrassing disasters that followed.

My sponsor suggested that Step 11 aims to clear barriers in my communication between myself and the God of my understanding. No matter how much or how little I felt connected to God, Step 11 encouraged me to seek to improve that conscious contact through prayer and meditation. In the beginning of my recovery, my sponsor suggested for me to go into a dark room with no distractions, close my eyes and try to feel some sort of connection with my Higher Power. Whatever I could experience and feel in those moments could serve as my starting point for trying to develop a better connection to God. I felt awkward at first, but I did have a sense of calmness and consciously thought of the idea of God. Ideas that helped me conceptualize Higher Power were marveling about the infinity of space and time. The idea of God was way beyond me and even more mysterious than the concept of infinity. I appreciated the space I was occupying at that moment in time, so maybe I could appreciate the feelings of connection to God, however slight. My initial ideas of God have developed into “The Great that Which I Do Not Understand.” It was helpful for me to first try to delete my conceptions of God I had while growing up and especially my distorted views when I was drinking and drugging. My sponsor and others in the program shared their experiences with the process of working Step 11, but it was up to me to pray and meditate with the God of my own understanding. I actually have come to enjoy praying and meditating and believe I feel varying degrees of connection to the God of my understanding. When I think of God I think about my sobriety and feel a sense of peace and serenity. Step 11 takes discipline on my part and allows me and my Higher Power to be together. I gain inspiration to face the challenges of my life.